Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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