I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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