I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
