Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
