I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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