I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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