dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
