I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
