I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Randomize
