Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
