There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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