Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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