Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
