I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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