I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
