You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Its only 8 and she is already passed out
Perfect here is wht u do. Gently slip your index middle and ring finger into her butt hole but gently u dont wnt to wake her..let me know when ur ready for step 2
fuck your aforementioned shoe
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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