His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
