My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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