So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
