i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
