Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
