Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I CAN MOONWALK!
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
