I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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