My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
