it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
