im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
