I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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