Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
