i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
