Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
