This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
