i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Randomize
