Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
