Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
