She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
