ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
