Kiss
Puke
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
