You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
