So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
