It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
