I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
