You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
