i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
