Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
