HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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