when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
