Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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