I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I am puke
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Randomize
