if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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