Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
