We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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