My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
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