a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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